i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Drunk is a universal language darling
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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