I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
