Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
