Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
