10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
