Dude my mom stole all your condoms
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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