What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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