im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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