if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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