Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
