he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
