I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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