she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize