Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
