They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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