real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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