So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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