The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Pants are for mortals
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
