my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
