WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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