i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
