new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
jump out the window naked night went bad
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
