I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
