I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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