Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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