I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
