I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
