How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
its not stalking. its research.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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