i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
