My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize