i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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