just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
