um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
