we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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