He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
