I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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