I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
