I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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