Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
