Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
