I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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