Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
