Taylor Swift is so right about you.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
