I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
