I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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