All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
