I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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