I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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