Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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