ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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