the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
