i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
