guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
