Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
