Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
