you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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