why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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