He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so let's talk penis.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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