i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
